"Quotes of the Week"

"Own only what you can carry with you; know language, know countries, know people. Let your memory be your travel bag." ~ Alexander Solzhenitsyn

"There is a fountain of youth: It is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age." ~ Sophia Loren

"I am really looking forward as I get older and older, to being less and less nice." ~ Annette Bening

"Never think any oldish thoughts. It's oldish thoughts that make a person old." ~ James A Farley

"Everyone knows someone who smoked two packs a day and had a few social beers with breakfast every morning who lived to be 85, but you have to assume that this won't be you." ~ Anne Lamott

"My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me." ~ Benjamin Disraeli

"It is our responsibilities not ourselves, that we should take seriously." ~ Peter Ustinov

"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty." ~ Jeff Foxworthy

"Quotes Of The Day"

"My doctor told me to quit having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." ~ Orson Wells

"Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new." ~ Henry David Thoreau

"I wouldn't have turned out the way I was if I didn't have all those old-fashioned values to rebel against." ~ Madonna

"Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal. My strength lies solely in my tenacity." ~ Louis Pasteur

"Sometimes I would almost rather have people take away years of my life than take away a moment." ~ Pearl S. Buck

"There are far too many men in politics and not enough elsewhere." ~ Hermoine Gingold

"I know the difference between a good man and a bad man, but I haven't decided which I like better." ~ Mae West

"One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is." ~ Erma Bombeck

"I think we're seeing in working mothers a change from 'Thank God It's Friday' to 'Thank God It's Monday.' If any working mother has not experienced that feeling, her children are not adolescent." ~ Ann Diehl, culture critic

"I've had an exciting time. I married for love and got a little money along with it." ~ Rose Kennedy

"Groaners: World's Best Bad Jokes and Puns"

How do you have a party in outer space?

You plan-et.

If two collars had a race, how would it end?

In a tie.

What does a king do when he burps?

He issues a royal pardon.

What do you call an earthquake fault?

A topographical error.

The police caught a burglar last night after he broke into a bathroom window, stood on a set of scales, and gave himself a weigh.

What does a cat sleep on?

A caterpillow.

I knew someone once who was a monorail enthusiast. He had a one-track mind.

The price of chess pieces was going up. I had to buy quickly, so I decided to contact my pawn broker.

One last one: Did you hear the one about the man who dreamed he was a muffler on a car, and then that he was part of the wheel? He woke up exhausted and tired.